what a day

I just need to vent

I realize that compared to other issues in people's lives I have much to be grateful about. My body is telling me that I need to release the negative emotions that have been gathering for awhile simply because I don't take the time to let them physically go. And then I wind up sick.

I am getting over the flu or something like it so my physical strength is lower than normal. Since I am obsessive/compulsive about many things and constantly have to work on keeping this until control, which takes a lot of energy, my mind is almost always going. It is on to the next project before the current one is done. I don't mean real projects I mean everyday tasks that need to be done. The end result is I wind up feeling like I never get done. There is always something else to do and when I am stressed it kicks in over time so every little thing suddenly needs to be done. I see every spec of dust etc and can't sit until I do something about it. When I am like this I need to stop and allow myself to sit but it seems that as soon as I do someone or something turns up with another problem and wonders why I am so short when all I was doing was sitting there resting. They have no idea what it took for me to get to that rest and what compulsiveness I just went through and finally I thought I could catch a break and walla-they appear. I know I am rambling but this is good--I need to get it out.

My day today started ok--there was tons of work to do and I thought I had a plan to try and tackle it. It is important for me to start and finish something for me to get this feeling of being okay. Sort of in control--not in chaos. Well it wasn't to be at work, there was just too many things popping up that kept preventing me from starting my planned work. On top of this I have this wonderful co worker who was put in my life to torment me. As if I don't have anything to do-she casually mentions that when I have time which I told her I didn't have any of--she would like the file room straightened because it looked like shit. It does but that is way down on list of things that need to be done. My boss had told me not to do filing because someone is coming in in May to take care of that--but he apparently didn't tell her this. So she nicely comments that forget it--she will take care of it. I wanted to say --good take care of it if you have so much time on your hands but that wouldn't be polite. What I was feeling was inadequate because I couldn't get it all done. If I could break myself in 100 pieces and get everything perfect that way I like it I would feel in control and safe. But it's not gonna happen and I know I need to let it go and I try but somehow it is building up inside.

Today the copier repair man was in for our printer problem and I asked my boss if I could have him look at the fax machine which is new but has streaks going through it and it makes it hard to read the info. I had tried to clean the lens but no improvement. He said check with Lucy as she handles that and I did. She said have the guy look at it. He nicely looked and showed me where the toner had gathered and how to clean it--gave me a free cloth to do it with next time and didn't charge us. My friendly co worker later finds a piece of paper by the fax and questions me about it. I tell her the man helped fix the problem --she tells me they dont't service the fax machine (which is not true) and they charge a fortune and not to ask him for assistance--I replied that he corrected the problem and didn't charge me and I didn't do this on my own authorization I had asked Mike. This is such petty stuff and it is causing so much resentment in me so not only do I have the resentment but also guilt for even feeling this way. This is stuff that two year olds do. What happens to me is that I want her approval which I will never get and I keep trying harder and harder to do more and more and all I am doing is raising my blood pressure. Here is where my mind really does me in-- I know all the stuff about past issues, codependency, addiction, letting go, prayer, Christian response etc etc so there is no let up. I am driving myself insane so that is why I am bloggin out all this garbage so that it is out there in cyberspace and not inside me causing me to get sick.
Well the day progresses--I was to fax somthing to my insurance company re the new car and I forgot the paper with the fax number. Made a trip home at lunch to get it. Continued with my work--at 4:30 My friend gives me something that she says has to be delivered today--which meant scanning it first and then delivering it. We leave at 5 and I had an appointment at 5:30. The bottom line was that the other office was not going to stay late to work on this document and delivering it in the am would be fine--which is what is being done because my boss said that would be fine but only after I stopped what I was doing, scanned the info and got ready to deliver it. Mind you the coworker has a clock in her office that is 15 minutes fast and everyday she is out the door at 4:45. (she is a hard worker just has a clock that is wrong). I normally stay later just to catch up after everyone is gone because then I don't feel pressured and the phone is not ringing but I had an appointment. My boss picks today to discuss future plans for when Lucy goes on maternity leave and I still needed to send my fax for the car. So I am rushing to get to my appt and am stressed when I get there. After the appt I leave and go to pizza hut to get dinner. I decide to eat there and bring food home for John. I order. I check my pocketbook and no wallet. I had left it in my delivery bag. So I ask do you take charge cards--yes- ok. Check my pocket book. No cards--they are all in wallet. I usually have one in a separate area but no- So I have no money and have already ordered. I call John and tel lhim I need him to bring me money. He comes. I see him in parking lot as if he is waiting for me to come and get money. Think he doesn't realize I ordered in and have a table so I go to door to tell him he needs to come in--I left my keys and pocketbook at table--he proceeds to say wait a fucking minute--I am waiting for a parking space. I hate that language and I felt even more embarassed knowing that he was talking to me. I feel --I am not going to let anyone speak that way to me--tell him that and he doesn't even know what he said--he is just as tired as I am and on this wild goose chase because I forgot my wallet. So now I am sitting in pizza hut with money but trying not to cry. It is not working. I feel like a spectacle but I can't leave I don't have my food yet. And I really just needed to have a good cry and release all this poison inside and then I would feel better. But I have to hold it in--I am in public. get through dinner--pay -- and leave to go to Christmas Tree shops to browse hoping that will calm my mind. Want to use the bathroom--of course they are cleaning it-- decide to head home. Was asked to print out an application and instructions for John's friend from the motor vehicle web site--guess what--it is 95 pages. I start to print and of course the paper runs out. I get more and hit resume or so I thought-- I really hit the off button so the printing job was lost. Had to start over again. And that is my sad story for the night. I wish I could say it made me feel better to get it out but it only made me feel like this is all such trivial crap that doesn't mean diddily squat and I pray that God will help me release this and to dwell on whatsoever things are perfect, whatsoever things are good... tomorrow is my 30th wedding anniversary--does it sound like I am having fun?

Happy happy joy joy

that's it for now folks.