You can't do everything, but you can do something. What you can do, you should do. Today, determine that in the power and grace of God you will do it. —Haddon Robinson

Good words. My plan for the day is to get started on doing what I should.

Read the following in my daily devotional:


We may say that people need to show themselves worthy of respect before we can respect them. But respecting another person is much more about who we are than about who the other person is.

Well it is Monday and Christmas is almost here. Here's to a good week.

One more week till Christmas. Seems a little different this year as we did not put up a tree--didn't really have any desire to and we will be down with family to celebrate so it seemed unnecessary to go through all the trouble to put the tree up and more so to take it down when the only ones who would see it are John & I.

Getting my new puppy was a good thing. she is doing good and she makes me laugh. I gave her one of our old bed pillows for a bed--I put a pillowcase on it and I just had to rescue her as she crawled between the case and the pillow and got trapped in it. She has lots of toys to play with but seems to enjoy attacking me the most. Her teeth are quite sharp. She also steals anything she can get and brings it back to her kennel. My slippers are one of her favorite things. I've found John's glove inside and one day she was trying to drag my coat to her kennel.

Work has been pretty slow and I hope it picks up as it can be boring whenthere is not enough to do. We had our annual Christmas dinner on Friday night. Good times but the room was a bit cramped. We went to a different place this year. Closer to home which was nice.

Played pool tonight-- I really enjoy that game. I won 7-3. Have some presents to wrap but am not motivated just now. I think we may get out early on Friday so I plan to clean and wrap then.

That's it for now

Trials

Read the following in Christianity today--



My Soul's Dark Night
The best of evangelicalism didn't prepare me for this struggle.
By Charles Colson with Anne Morse

I am a product of the best in evangelicalism: converted 32 years ago in a flood of tears after hearing the gospel, discipled by a strong prayer group, taught by great theologians. I know the strength of evangelicalism in bringing people to an intimate relationship with Jesus.

But what happens when you have relied on this intimacy and the day comes when God seems distant? What happens in the dark night of the soul?

I found out this past year. Weeks after finishing The Good Life, my son Wendell was diagnosed with bone cancer. The operation to remove a malignant tumor took 10 hours—the longest day of my life. Wendell survived, but he's still in chemo.

I had barely caught my breath when my daughter, Emily, was diagnosed with melanoma.

Back in the hospital, I again prayed fervently. Soon after, my wife, Patty, underwent major knee surgery. Where was my good life?

Exhausted from hospitals, two years of writing The Good Life, and an ugly situation with a disgruntled former employee, I found myself wrestling with the Prince of Darkness, who attacks us when we are weakest. I walked around at night, asking God why he would allow this. Alone, shaken, fearful, I longed for the closeness with God I had experienced even in the darkest days of prison.
What happens when you have relied on intimacy with God, and the day comes when he seems distant?

An answer came in September. I was standing alone on the deck of a friend's home in North Carolina, overlooking the spectacular Smoky Mountains arising out of the mist. I was moved by the glory of God's creation. It's impossible not to know God as the Creator, I realized, for there is no other rational explanation for reality. God cannot not be.

It struck me that I don't have to make sense of the agonies I bear or hear a clear answer. God is not a creature of my emotions or senses. God is God, the one who created me and takes responsibility for my children's destiny and mine. I can only cling to the certainty that he is and he has spoken.

I'm not sure how well the contemporary evangelical world prepares us for this struggle, which I suspect many evangelicals experience but fear to admit because of the expectations we create. At such times, we can turn for strength to older and richer theological traditions probably unfamiliar to many—writings by saints who endured agonies both physical and spiritual.

Teresa of Avila was a 16th-century Spanish mystic and author of The Interior Castle. Teresa, who suffered from paralyzing illnesses, wrote, "For his Majesty can do nothing greater for us than grant us a life which is an imitation of that lived by his beloved Son. I feel certain, therefore, that these favors [sufferings] are given us to strengthen our weakness."

John of the Cross, persecuted and thrown into prison, wrote the classic The Dark Night of the Soul. "O you souls who wish to go on with so much safety and consolation," John wrote. "If you knew how pleasing to God is suffering and how much it helps in acquiring other good things, you would never seek consolation in anything, but you would rather look upon it as a great happiness to bear the Cross of the Lord."

In the evangelical heritage, we could draw on spiritual forebears like the Puritans and Charles Spurgeon. "When thy God hides his face, say not that he has forgotten thee," Spurgeon once wrote. "He is but tarrying a little while to make thee love him better, and when he cometh, thou shalt have joy in the Lord and shalt rejoice with joy unspeakable."

The point of these older traditions is that faith becomes strongest when we are without consolation and must walk into the darkness with complete abandon.

Faith isn't really faith if we can always rely on the still, small voice of God cheering us on. A prominent pastor once told me he experienced the Holy Spirit's presence every moment. Contemporary evangelicals regard this as maturity. Perhaps it is—or maybe it is a form of presumption. True faith trusts even when every outward reality tells us there is no reason to.

As theologian Michael Novak explains, true faith says, "Let this be done, Lord, according to your will"—even if we don't know what "this" is.

Evangelicals must rely on more than cheerful tunes, easy answers, and happy smiles. We must dig deeply into the church's treasures to find what it is like to worship God, not because of our circumstances, but in spite of them.

Following the events of 2005, my faith is deepened. Countless times over the years I've experienced God and his providence, but I've also known the dark night. God, I've realized, is not just the friend who takes my hand, but also the great, majestic Creator who reigns forever.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town.
Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.

The people were all busy with Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores

No one sang "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed.
Instead, they sang of Santa dressed-up in bright red.

Mama watched Martha Stewart, Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour the presents they'd wrap

When what from the T.V. did they suddenly hear?
'Cept an ad.. which told of a big sale at Sears.

So away to the mall they all flew like a flash...
Buying things on credit.. and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home From their trip to the mall,
D id they think about Jesus? Oh, no ... not at all.

Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time thing
No time to remember Christ Jesus, the King.

There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior... they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time to "Shop til they dropped!"

On Wal-mart! On K-mart! On Target! On Penney's!
On Hallmark! On Zales! A quick lunch at Denny's

From the big stores downtown to the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!

And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter
As grandpa hung icicle lights up on his brand new step ladder.

He hung lights that would flash. He hung lights that would twirl.
But he never once prayed "Jesus... Light up the World".

Christ's eyes ... how they twinkle! Christ's Spirit ... how merry!
Christ's love .... how enormous! All our burdens... He'll carry!

So instead of being busy, overworked, and uptight
Let's put Christ back in CHRISTmas and enjoy some good nights!

Merry Christmas, To ALL

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater

The following article articulates some of my feelings regarding the church--as I read it I laughed, agreed,was grossed out (the man in the choir), was sad---sometimes we don't see the handwriting on the wall until it is too late.

Christianity Today, November 2005

In Praise of the Church Lady
God manages to use dubious characters to shape our lives.
by Mark Linville | posted 11/15/2005 09:00 a.m.


I was overchurched as a child. The prevailing ethic of our church community dictated that "every time the church doors are open you should be there." Whether our family actually succeeded in this, I am not sure. But, at any rate, my childhood memories are filled with those of my reluctant but compulsory attendance at more church gatherings than I thought I could bear.

What stands out in my boyhood memories is an assortment of odd characters. I can recall being sternly warned by one member not to eat snow because it had been poisoned by Nikita Khrushchev. An elder of the church adamantly maintained on more than one occasion that we had not "evoluted." A brigade of lay evangelists confronted devout Lutherans or Presbyterians—or even people who had been baptized in the right way but with the wrong idea—on their doorsteps, unblinkingly informing them that they were destined to be cast into the lake of fire unless they converted (i.e., joined our church). These guys made the Sanctified Brethren of Lake Wobegon look like Unitarians. There was Al, who, upon greeting you at the church door with a handshake, would inexplicably pull your hand up into his moist underarm. I learned quickly to enter church through the side door. There was Mr. Reed, an elderly man who sat in the choir, facing the congregation, and had the rather dispiriting habit of elaborately—even ceremoniously—hacking phlegm from his deepest recesses and then, predictably, leaning forward to spit it into the carpet in front of his seat.

We also had our share of hypocrites: the volunteer youth sponsor who, though recently married, attempted to seduce half of the teenage girls in the youth group; the other volunteer youth sponsor who succeeded in seducing another man's wife and running off with her. I can recall more than one occasion on which some of the churchmen traded racist jokes—featuring, of course, the n-word as a kind of verbal centerpiece. Then the minister took an inordinate interest in the contents of a skirt or two in the congregation and was soon seen loading a U-Haul bound for another state.

There was also the Church Lady, who, outfitted with horn-rimmed glasses and a flannelgraph lesson, taught my Sunday school classes. If every believer is graced with some spiritual gift, such as hospitality or encouragement, hers was the gift of disapproval. This woman never understood that good behavior in little boys did not entail their acting like little girls, so I am sure that her reprimands brought out the worst in me. I could never seem to escape the Church Lady as she was also perpetually involved in vacation Bible school, that bane of summer; a whole week of daylight stolen from the middle of a sandlot-baseball-playing boy's vacation. Under her direction, we pledged allegiance to the Bible ("God's Holy Word") and to the Christian flag ("and to the Savior for whose kingdom it stands"), drank green Kool-Aid from Dixie cups, and glued macaroni to plates to form crosses.

As a child, I was dragged involuntarily to a plethora of gatherings and placed under the authority of dubious characters, many of whom might have made interesting studies in abnormal psychology. Some of this is perhaps the stuff cited by members of Fundamentalists Anonymous, a support group for people who have finally escaped the clutches of the religious authorities of their childhood, but who are still nursing old wounds.

But this company of the strange, the judgmental, and the hypocritical—in cooperation, of course, with the not-so-strange nor hypocritical—managed somehow to do me the invaluable service of laying a solid foundation for the faith of my adult life. Indeed, these imperfect people instilled within me my basic worldview by the time I was 4 years old. That worldview has undergone a bit of fine-tuning since then, but by age 4, I had the deep conviction that there is a God who is supremely good and wise, that he created us out of love, and that he wishes for us to learn to love one another in the same way that he loves us. This early orientation on my proper place in the grand scheme of things has been a keel that has directed safe passage through a variety of intellectual and emotional crosscurrents.

I suspect that the Church Lady—who in my memory is more an amalgam of many people who had an early influence on me than an actual person—had something less than an articulate and carefully reasoned theology. I would not be surprised to learn that she harbored some religious beliefs that were downright silly. But she is yet another example of those crude earthen vessels in which God has placed his treasure, and which he is able to use for his good purposes. Everywhere I looked, it seemed, there were examples of people struggling to live lives of discipleship as best they understood it. In short, I grew up in the midst of a community of people who embraced essentially the same Christian worldview, however imperfectly, and I am the better for it.

In addition to this network of believers who shared the burden of directing my earliest steps, in the late 1950s and early 1960s, there was the sense that those authority figures beyond the church walls—schoolteachers, for example—were very much in league with my parents. But the winds have changed in our culture. The teachers in charge of our children may be more interested in dismantling their politically incorrect Christian convictions than encouraging them. And while I am not interested in joining a critique of today's children's cartoons for purportedly promoting the gay lifestyle, I do believe there is a cynical atmosphere that pervades many of the forms of entertainment to which today's children are exposed. It is the cynicism that marks our postmodern times and that promotes a sort of ironic detachment from any form of deep conviction and commitment. It is "hipness unto death." Our children are alive to it at earlier ages, with the result that the old loyalties can appear to them as quaint, hopelessly naïve, and easily parodied ("Sounds like The Waltons! Goodnight, John Boy!"). Thus the natural trusting innocence of childhood is lost.

The Church Lady is needed today more than ever. It would be the height of foolishness for us to expect to engender a robust faith in our children today without simply immersing them in a community of believing people as I was. There may be attempts within the home to instill faith and Christian virtues, but the prevailing winds of our culture are blowing strongly in the opposite direction. Young saplings are nearly certain to bend to and be shaped by those winds if not sheltered. And the only proven shelter is marked by a steeple.

Mark Linville is professor of philosophy at Atlanta Christian College.

MY PRAYER...
Holy Father, my Great Emancipator, you have freed me from sin, law, and death at the cost of your precious Son. I open my heart to you today to say I love you and want to thank you. Please accept the actions of my life, the words of my mouth, the thoughts of my mind, and the emotions of my heart today as my offering of thanks. Through Jesus my Sacrifice and your holy Son I pray. Amen.

Where am I? Trying to stay in the moment. I have a bad habit of always being somewhere other than where I am right now. Memories are good to look back on and use your experience from, dreams and goals are also important but I want to embrace the moment. This is where I am right now--take the time to get all that I can from it---this day, this hour will not come again.

Well this hour involves doing my bills and then going about the rest of my day. I may finally check out the zoo that is less than 10 minutes away.

Stay tuned

Discipleship is sometimes defined by being normal.

A woman in a small Arkansas community was a single mom with a frail baby. Her
neighbor would stop by every few days and keep the child so she could shop.
After some weeks her neighbor shared more than time; she shared her faith, and
the woman did what Matthew did. She followed Christ.

The friends of the young mother objected. "Do you know what those people
teach?" they contested.

"Here is what I know," she told them. "They held my baby."

I think Jesus likes that kind of answer, don't you?

We had a guest speaker on Sunday and the topic was fear and how it runs our lives. He was a very low key speaker but delivered a strong message.

The message I keep getting as I seek to draw closer to God is His holiness. To keep reading about His holiness.

Met with some ladies from church for dinner last night. Conversation was good but as usually the case it stayed superficial until it was almost time to go. We wound up staying afterwards in the lobby to talk some more.


Through the centuries, some of God's servants have faced the possibility of an agonizing death unless they renounced their faith. They knew that God could deliver them, but they also knew that in keeping with His own purposes He might not answer their pleas for supernatural help.

In the book of Daniel, three young Hebrew captives faced a life-and-death choice: Worship the king's gold image or be thrown into the fiery furnace. Their response was unhesitating: "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace." They added, "But if not, . . . we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up" (Daniel 3:17-18).

But if not! Those words challenge our allegiance. Suppose we face crippling disease. Suppose we are facing shameful disgrace. Suppose we are facing painful loss. We plead for God's intervention, yet in every threatening circumstance our plea should carry the proviso, "But if not!"

Is our attitude that of Jesus in Gethsemane? "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 26:39).

Are we willing to endure whatever will glorify God and work out His holy purposes? —Vernon Grounds

They climbed the steep ascent of heaven
Through peril, toil, and pain:
O God, to us may grace be given
To follow in their train. —Heber

When conviction runs deep, courage rises to sustain it.

It is in God's Hands

The world was horrified when Chechen rebels massacred hundreds of people held hostage in a school in Beslan, Russia. Many of the victims were children, including six belonging to the two Totiev brothers, who are active in Christian ministry.

One of the brothers reacted in a way that most of us would have a hard time choosing. He said, "Yes, we have an irreplaceable loss, but we cannot take revenge." He believes what the Lord says, as recorded in Romans 12:19, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay."

Some of us have difficulty getting rid of bitterness about small slights, to say nothing of major offenses like this family faced. Totiev's attitude lets go of bitterness and doesn't seek revenge. It abhors what is evil (v.9), but doesn't repay evil for evil (v.17). What a difference there would be in marriages, families, churches, and in all our relationships if by the Holy Spirit's enablement we were filled with a Christlike attitude that puts in God's hands the injustices done to us.

Why not pause right now and search your heart. If there is any bitterness toward another or a desire for revenge, ask the Holy Spirit to help you not to be "overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (v.21). —Vernon Grounds

Search me, O God, and know my heart today!
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts I pray.
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free. —Orr

Someday the scales of justice will be perfectly balanced.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The weekend awaits....time to go to bed....Scruffy is already snoring.

Reverence

Good weekend. Retreat Friday-Saturday, Kelli in on Saturday evening--heat was not working so we started a fire and sat before it and listened to a tape from the retreat. Tape was good and the fact that we needed heat was even better--I love this time of year.
Church on Sunday-which I almost didn't go to--so glad I did. Sunday night we started the billard league--I really liked it. They play "9" ball which is different from what I played years ago ut it is fun.

Would have liked to sleep longer this morning.

Dentist tomorrow at 7:30AM!! Joy joy.


It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him.
--Deuteronomy 13:4
New International Version

THOUGHTS ABOUT TODAY'S VERSE...
So many people want us to follow their lead and obey their voice. But God has proved himself faithful and loving through the ages. In his might he is to be revered. But rather than seeing reverence as a "church thing," we are reminded by Moses it is a "life thing." We are to obey and keep his commandments, and we are to serve him and depend upon him in our daily lives. Rather than silence in the assembly, reverence is action to his glory!

MY PRAYER...
Holy and Righteous Father, help me take my worship outside the church building into my day to day life as I try to live what I sing, practice what I say, and pursue what I pray. In Jesus name. Amen.

Time

I have entirely too much time that I am not putting to good use. I procrastinate. There are things to be done but I need this extra push to get started.

Going to go to my Mom's this weekend.

Good morning world!

Faith

Sept. 28, 2005

My Struggles Are About Him
by Max Lucado

What about your struggles? Is there any chance, any possibility, that you have
been selected to struggle for God's glory? Have you "been granted for Christ's
sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him, but also to suffer
for His sake" (Philippians 1:29)?

Here is a clue. Do your prayers seem to be unanswered? What you request and
what you receive aren't matching up? Don't think God is not listening. Indeed he
is. He may have higher plans.

Here is another. Are people strengthened by your struggles? A friend of mine can
answer yes. His cancer was consuming more than his body; it was eating away at
his faith. Unanswered petitions perplexed him. Well-meaning Christians confused
him. "If you have faith," they said, "you will be healed."

No healing came. Just more chemo, nausea, and questions. He assumed the fault
was a small faith. I suggested another answer. "It's not about you," I told
him. "Your hospital room is a showcase for your Maker. Your faith in the face
of suffering cranks up the volume of God's song."

Oh, that you could have seen the relief on his face. To know that he hadn't
failed God and God hadn't failed him-this made all the difference. Seeing his
sickness in the scope of God's sovereign plan gave his condition a sense of
dignity. He accepted his cancer as an assignment from heaven: a missionary to
the cancer ward.

A week later I saw him again. "I reflected God," he said, smiling through a thin
face, "to the nurse, the doctors, my friends. Who knows who needed to see God,
but I did my best to make him seen."

Bingo. His cancer paraded the power of Jesus down the Main Street of his world.

God will use whatever he wants to display his glory. Heavens and stars. History
and nations. People and problems.

Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use
it. Use it to the glory of God.

Through your problems and mine, may God be seen.



The above is from one of my devotional readings but I believe it originated in Max Lucado's book "It's Not About You". It is once again a reminder to me to stop looking at what is going on around me and keep my focus on Jesus.

I see my home situation gradually returning to what it once was. I am not the same person I was so some of my reactions and feelings are different but mostly I need to be reminded that it is not about me. It is about God and His glory.

Help me Lord to be who you want me to be. Thank you for being faithful to me even when I walk away from you.

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

If we have hope, we can go on.

Life is full of challenges. I have found over the years that what has occurred before is a building ground so that each new situation you face has the advantage of past experiences.

I am not who I want to be, I am not what I am going to be but thank God I am not what I used to be.

Kelli is in for the weekend. Just the nights actually. In a little bit I hope to start cleaning my windows--fall cleaning. The weather is just right for it. Nice and cool. But first I think I will take a short nap--it is Saturday and I can choose my schedule.

Blessings to all who may read this.

Happiness

There is no true happiness apart from holiness, and no holiness apart from Christ.

Why Me?

Why Me?

Read:
Luke 17:11-19

One of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God. —Luke 17:15

Bible In One Year: Ezekiel 31-33

A few years ago, an unkempt, poorly adjusted youth named Tim (not his real name) was converted to Christ in an evangelistic crusade. Several days later, still unkempt but bathed in the love of Christ, he was sent to my home so that I could help him find a good church. And so it was that he began attending with me.

Though Tim needed and received much loving help in personal grooming and basic social graces, one characteristic has remained unchanged—his untamed love for his Savior.

One Sunday after church Tim rushed to my side, looking somewhat perplexed. He exclaimed, "Why me? I keep asking myself, why me?" Oh, no, I thought, he's become another complaining Christian. Then with arms outstretched, he went on to say, "Out of all the people in the world who are greater and smarter than I am, why did God choose me?" With that he joyfully clapped his hands.

Over the years I've heard many Christians, including myself, ask "Why me?" during tough times. But Tim is the first one I've heard ask that question when talking about God's blessings. Many were converted the same night as Tim, but I wonder how many among them have humbly asked, "Why me?" May we ask it often. —Joanie Yoder

I know not why God's wondrous grace
To me He hath made known;
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own. —Whittle

Gratitude should be a continuous attitude.


The above is from Our Daily Bread devotional. Lately what has kept coming to mind is that it is important what I allow to come into my mind--through my eyes, my hearing etc. It reminds of the little children's song that we used to sing in children's church--Oh be careful little eyes what you see... There is so much out there to influence and confuse--I have a choice what I allow to influence me. It is important for me to remember that this is not "IT". This is only a small blip in time compared to eternity. To remember who God is and be in awe of Him. Oh Lord thank you for allowing me to have glimpses of who you are and to feel your presence.

the room

The ROOM

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last.

Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School. Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them-notes from classmates and teachers,his homework.

Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr Moore said.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A fi le! named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and bu rn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide th e key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here... Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuit ively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card fr om Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side...

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way forward it to as many people as you can so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

It's as though a sinister stranger comes knocking on your door. You must let him in, for he knocks insistently and will not go away. He is sorrow personified.

You believe no one sees your tears and you feel all alone—but God sees them and He understands. "All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears," David said in Psalm 6. "The Lord has heard the voice of my weeping" (vv.6,8). "You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?" (56:8). Though "weeping may endure for a night," it is a transient houseguest, for "joy comes in the morning" (30:5).

We remember, as David did, that God's love and favor last for a lifetime. He has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. When God's love comes into our thoughts, our feelings of sorrow and dread flee. Our mourning is turned into dancing, our garments of sackcloth and sorrow are stripped away and we are girded with gladness. We can rise to greet the day with shouts of ringing praise for His mercy, guidance, and protection. We rejoice in His holy name (30:11-12).

No matter our circumstances, let's sing to the Lord once again! —David Roper



Praise is the voice of a soul set free.

Although there is much we have no control over----our soul can soar despite what is going on around us.

Back from a great "mini" vacation to Columbus. The weather was perfect and everything went well. The zoo was beautiful--so much to see. The trip to Easton ended too quickly--lots of stores to check out--there is always next time. It was great to see how well Mark is doing and I enjoyed visiting with the people from the community.

Went back to work today rested and anticipating a full workload.

One of my readings for the day:

Sept. 7, 2005

A Good Heart, But...
By Max Lucado

(Scene-Sunday A.M. assembly; silent prayer)

Max: God, I want to do great things.

God: You do?

Max: You bet! I want to teach millions! I want to fill the Rose Bowl! I want all
of the world to know your saving power! I dream of the day-

God: That's great, Max. In fact, I can use you today after church.

Max: Super! How about some radio and TV work or ... or ... or an engagement to
speak to Congress?

God: Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind. See that fellow sitting next
to you?

Max: Yes.

God: He needs a ride home.

Max (quietly): What?

God: He needs a ride home. And while you're at it, one of the older ladies
sitting near you is worried about getting a refrigerator moved. Why don't you
drop by this afternoon and-

Max (pleading): But, God, what about the world?

God (smiling): Think about it.


It's the little things in life that are important.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
--Romans 12:15
New International Version

THOUGHTS ABOUT TODAY'S VERSE...
We are not alone. God has given us each other to live our lives for him and get us back home to him. Along the way, we want to share each others' burdens, soar on each others joys, and love each others' hurts. There is no such thing as a solo Christian.

MY PRAYER...
Loving Father, lead me to the people today who need their burdens lifted and their joys shared. Let me be your presence in the world of your children today. This I ask in Jesus name. Amen.

Something I read today and it helped me so I thought I would pass it along

Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." I know this is true, and I also know that Jesus weeps over our losses, and he shares our grief. But he also sees the future, and he sees the whole picture, He knows his purpose in taking Landon and Anthony and Rick and Jessi and Bob. ( these were people the author knew) And he's already seen the reunions that are yet to come. Joyful, overwhelming, celebratory reunions.

We cannot control God, and we cannot second-guess him, as much as we'd like to try. Our God has plans and purposes that are far beyond our understanding.

Sometimes those plans and purposes break our hearts.
Sometimes they require sacrifices we never agreed to make.
Sometimes they stop us dead in our tracks, turn us upside down, inside out, and paralyze us with pain.

But his comfort is not far behind. And as we climb up into his lap and weep into his chest, he whispers in our ear, "Shhh. It's okay. I did it for a reason, and some day I'll tell you what it is." He strokes our hair and hugs us tight, and cries with us. "Shhh. Just hang on. It's not that long before you'll see them again. And then you'll be with them for eternity. I promise to see you through this."

Our whys are not answered, but we trust that there is a reason. God is in control, and he loves us through our pain.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above was in the back of a book I just finished. It was a Christian fiction book that dealt with tradegies that befell a family who served the Lord. The author was sharing some personal events that had happened recently in her life.

So much happens that we don't understand and we question and try to figure out but we will never know why. I hear God being questioned and comments made to the effect of "if God is like that I don't want to know him" as if we the created have the right to question anything that God does or allows. Our minds have been so distorted by what we have been exposed to. Help me Lord to remember who I am and who you are.

Party Time

UpWords from Max Lucado

August 3, 2005

Why Jesus Went To Parties
By Max Lucado

Why would Jesus, on his first journey, take his followers to a party?

Didn't they have work to do? Didn't he have principles to teach?  Wasn't his
time limited? How could a wedding fit with his purpose on earth?

Why did Jesus go to the wedding?

The answer? It's found in the second verse of John 2. "Jesus and his followers
were also invited to the wedding."

Why did they invite him?

I suppose they liked him.

Big deal? I think so. I think it's significant that common folk in a little town
enjoyed being with Jesus. I think it's noteworthy that the Almighty didn't act
high and mighty. The Holy One wasn't holier-than-thou.

You just don't get the impression that his neighbors grew sick of his
haughtiness and asked, "Well, who do you think made you God?"

His faith made him likable, not detestable. Would that ours would do the same!

May I state an opinion that may raise an eyebrow? May I tell you why I think
Jesus went to the wedding? I think he went to the wedding to-now hold on, hear
me out, let me say it before you heat the tar and pluck the feathers-I think
Jesus went to the wedding to have fun.

Maybe these thoughts catch you by surprise. They do me. It's been awhile since I
pegged Jesus as a party-lover. But he was. His foes accused him of eating too
much, drinking too much, and hanging out with the wrong people! (See Matt.
11:19.) I must confess: It's been awhile since I've been accused of having too
much fun. How about you?

We used to be good at it. What has happened to us? What happened to clean joy
and loud laughter? Is it our neckties that choke us? Is it our diplomas that
dignify us? Is it the pew that stiffens us?

Jesus took time for a party. . .shouldn't we?

Barbeque here next weekend--Saturday I believe--aiming for laughter

Because God's goodness is as constant as the sun, we are in danger of forgetting what He showers on us each day. If we count our blessings one by one, we'll never get finished. But if we jot down a list of 10 or 20 gifts God gives us each day, something will happen to our hearts.

Let's try it and find out for ourselves. —Haddon Robinson

Every morning as we rise,
God's new mercies greet our eyes;
And when twilight shadows fall,
Evening blessings brighten all. —Anon.
If you want to be rich, count all the things you have that money can't buy.

Like medicine, God's Word must be taken as directed. Are you internalizing its truth? —Vernon Grounds

God's Word brings health and healing
To every sin-sick soul,
But we must take and heed it
Before we can be whole. —D. De Haan
The Bible contains the vitamins for soul health.

Good weekend. I spent a lot of Saturday in bed just sleeping. Of course I paid for this Saturday night when it was 12:20am and I still couldn't fall asleep. But it was worth it.
Sunday was also a good day. Started out at church, then the stores and then came home to do some yard work before sitting myself before the TV with my book that I was trying to finish. After dinner I checked in on my mom and she appears to be ok except for the weakness on the one side.

This morning I checked my email which among other things has my old newspaper site on it. I was sad to see that the little boy that was missing has been confirmed dead. Another article tells of a 17 month old that was shot and killed by police as they were defending themselves from the person who was holding her hostage. They shot him and in the process she was also killed. Not the best way to start off a new day. Thankfully I also checked out my devotional sites. The one talked of picking up our crosses daily and denying ourselves.

Then I checked out some blogs. Eric's seems to have created a stir regarding our current leadership. It is easy to get caught up in the emotions that are generated by the topic. We all have opinions---our message yesterday at church was about judging others while we still have much to correct in ourselves. It is easy to get carried off on a subject that is dear to us and in the process lose our battle with focusing on God. For me anyway. the enemy does not come in looking like something bad--heathy debate and discussion seems like a good thing but division is not good. We need to focus on what unites us and that is the cross of Christ. The love of God and what lenghts he will go to trying to draw us to Him.

Thank you Father for your persistance and patience.

Your daughter

Been awhile

Today is Friday and right now it is cool outside and I have just finished breakfast. I am pretty much at peace and look forward to work. Work has changed a lot for me since Doris has started there. She is a bubbling personality--the type who brings out the best in a person. The positive thinking kind of individual that I need to be around.

Lucy had her baby--a healthy little girl. She has two boys already so girl is what she wanted. She and the baby are doing well.

Kelli is coming in tomorrow I am looking forward to the visit.

Plan to go to church meeting tonight--I can't even remember what it is called but it is their equivalent of a 12 step meeting.

Went to Trinity last Sunday and got to see my old friends. It was good to catch up on what is going on in their lives and Rochelle brought a new person to lunch so she shared some of her story. God knew what we needed to hear to keep us on the right path.

God is sovereign and doesn't have to explain Himself to us or make sense to us. Somehow we have gotten confused on this issue. We have gone heavily into the "God loves us" and that is true but do we really know what "love is"? Does "love" always make us feel good? Discipline is love, disappointment can come from "love', hurt can result from "love", pain can come from "love"....

I think we need to focus more on obedience to God's desire for us and even when it doesn't make sense to us obey and trust. Trust that He has a plan and He knows what is best--He sees things in their total context we see things in the immediate.

I am very grateful that circumstances led me to move to Syracuse and that I found employment and that my life is where it is today. God uses different circumstances to get me where I need to be--often I think it is for one reason but it really is for another. Like I said He has a plan and it is a good one--I need to follow it more willingly-without second guessing so much and trying to figure everything out.

Time for work or at least the shower!

Great Play

Saw a great play at my church this past Saturday. The name of it was "Encounters". It had three individuals who acted out different parts, each basically being asked if they knew Jesus of Nazareth. I was really impressed with the depth of the acting--these were people from our congregation. Kellie was able to go with me and we met up with Jeannie from my Thursday small group (who blessed me with a free ticket--which was good as I had forgotten to take a check with me)

The barbeque went well even if we had to move inside because it started to rain. Played some penny poker. Next day I was extremely tired and came home from church early and went to bed.

Looking forward to this weekend and visiting with the family.

Keeping Mark and his family in prayer as he goes for his evaluation regarding treatment.

Time for bed.

Long time no blog

Well it has been awhile. Good things have been happening. My position at work has been changed due to an earlier maternity leave for one of my co workers. This means I don't have to do deliveries for now which frees up some of my time to get the other work done. they have me doing more of the bookkeeping now and I like it-I just need time to get into a routine so I remember all that is needed to be done. For the next two weks it will remain chaotic as we have someone going on vacation which really means it is like we are down 2 experienced people. A new person is working at the office to take over my job and she is wonderful. Like my own private angel sent by God to help not only with the work but with the atmosphere. Right now she is feeling really overwhelmed as they are teaching her not only my work but also Linda's so that she can cover that position for when Linda is on vacation. My immediate problem is trying to figure out a deosit that doesn't balance out. I put off dealing with it for today as I was trying to catch up on other things but I will need to deal with it tomorrow. I started my day off with God's word and felt really calm as I went into work and really confident aas I faced different situation during the day. I am very grateful for that.

Great news to learn that Mark & Amy will have some help from the hospital with their medical situation. God's word tells us to do our part and leave the results up to Him. Thank you Lord for once again strenghtening my faith.

My dog Scruffy has decided to present us with some more health problems but God has His ways of preparing me to deal with situations that come up. I have felt vulnerable about my own health--somehow feeling as if it is tied into my dogs as we both started off sick back in 1993 and when she gets sick I start feeling like time is running out--God is helping me with this fear. I have scheduled an appointment with an oncologist up here so that I can continue with my check ups , colonoscopies etc. Have been feeling extremely fatigued for some time now --the last few days have been different--feeling more alive and actually having energy to do things.

Planted my flowers on Mother's day and that was a mistake up here. Most of them are not faring too well. The impatiens have mostly dies off but the geraniums are holding on. I'm told that you shuld wait till closer to June to plant. Live and learn.

that's it for now--I am going to attempt two months of bank recs.

Here's hoping things balance out.

Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher, I don't know his name, was a wonderful person who never found fame; Yet he shaped my whole life far more than he knew, for his loving example has helped me be true. (anon)

I have had many Sunday school teachers over the years and each one had contributed in a special way to my walk with the Lord. For all you Sunday school teachers out there--thank you for your time and dedication. I am a life who was changed ( to quote a song)

To love to teach is one thing, to love those you teach is quite another.

Renew in me a clean heart

People are dying and I need to focus on God. Lord help me to be an instrument of mercy. Remove all the garbage from within me and fill me with your Holy Spirit. Let your sweet spirit flow from me to others. let rue healing come so that I may be used for your glory. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

what a day

I just need to vent

I realize that compared to other issues in people's lives I have much to be grateful about. My body is telling me that I need to release the negative emotions that have been gathering for awhile simply because I don't take the time to let them physically go. And then I wind up sick.

I am getting over the flu or something like it so my physical strength is lower than normal. Since I am obsessive/compulsive about many things and constantly have to work on keeping this until control, which takes a lot of energy, my mind is almost always going. It is on to the next project before the current one is done. I don't mean real projects I mean everyday tasks that need to be done. The end result is I wind up feeling like I never get done. There is always something else to do and when I am stressed it kicks in over time so every little thing suddenly needs to be done. I see every spec of dust etc and can't sit until I do something about it. When I am like this I need to stop and allow myself to sit but it seems that as soon as I do someone or something turns up with another problem and wonders why I am so short when all I was doing was sitting there resting. They have no idea what it took for me to get to that rest and what compulsiveness I just went through and finally I thought I could catch a break and walla-they appear. I know I am rambling but this is good--I need to get it out.

My day today started ok--there was tons of work to do and I thought I had a plan to try and tackle it. It is important for me to start and finish something for me to get this feeling of being okay. Sort of in control--not in chaos. Well it wasn't to be at work, there was just too many things popping up that kept preventing me from starting my planned work. On top of this I have this wonderful co worker who was put in my life to torment me. As if I don't have anything to do-she casually mentions that when I have time which I told her I didn't have any of--she would like the file room straightened because it looked like shit. It does but that is way down on list of things that need to be done. My boss had told me not to do filing because someone is coming in in May to take care of that--but he apparently didn't tell her this. So she nicely comments that forget it--she will take care of it. I wanted to say --good take care of it if you have so much time on your hands but that wouldn't be polite. What I was feeling was inadequate because I couldn't get it all done. If I could break myself in 100 pieces and get everything perfect that way I like it I would feel in control and safe. But it's not gonna happen and I know I need to let it go and I try but somehow it is building up inside.

Today the copier repair man was in for our printer problem and I asked my boss if I could have him look at the fax machine which is new but has streaks going through it and it makes it hard to read the info. I had tried to clean the lens but no improvement. He said check with Lucy as she handles that and I did. She said have the guy look at it. He nicely looked and showed me where the toner had gathered and how to clean it--gave me a free cloth to do it with next time and didn't charge us. My friendly co worker later finds a piece of paper by the fax and questions me about it. I tell her the man helped fix the problem --she tells me they dont't service the fax machine (which is not true) and they charge a fortune and not to ask him for assistance--I replied that he corrected the problem and didn't charge me and I didn't do this on my own authorization I had asked Mike. This is such petty stuff and it is causing so much resentment in me so not only do I have the resentment but also guilt for even feeling this way. This is stuff that two year olds do. What happens to me is that I want her approval which I will never get and I keep trying harder and harder to do more and more and all I am doing is raising my blood pressure. Here is where my mind really does me in-- I know all the stuff about past issues, codependency, addiction, letting go, prayer, Christian response etc etc so there is no let up. I am driving myself insane so that is why I am bloggin out all this garbage so that it is out there in cyberspace and not inside me causing me to get sick.
Well the day progresses--I was to fax somthing to my insurance company re the new car and I forgot the paper with the fax number. Made a trip home at lunch to get it. Continued with my work--at 4:30 My friend gives me something that she says has to be delivered today--which meant scanning it first and then delivering it. We leave at 5 and I had an appointment at 5:30. The bottom line was that the other office was not going to stay late to work on this document and delivering it in the am would be fine--which is what is being done because my boss said that would be fine but only after I stopped what I was doing, scanned the info and got ready to deliver it. Mind you the coworker has a clock in her office that is 15 minutes fast and everyday she is out the door at 4:45. (she is a hard worker just has a clock that is wrong). I normally stay later just to catch up after everyone is gone because then I don't feel pressured and the phone is not ringing but I had an appointment. My boss picks today to discuss future plans for when Lucy goes on maternity leave and I still needed to send my fax for the car. So I am rushing to get to my appt and am stressed when I get there. After the appt I leave and go to pizza hut to get dinner. I decide to eat there and bring food home for John. I order. I check my pocketbook and no wallet. I had left it in my delivery bag. So I ask do you take charge cards--yes- ok. Check my pocket book. No cards--they are all in wallet. I usually have one in a separate area but no- So I have no money and have already ordered. I call John and tel lhim I need him to bring me money. He comes. I see him in parking lot as if he is waiting for me to come and get money. Think he doesn't realize I ordered in and have a table so I go to door to tell him he needs to come in--I left my keys and pocketbook at table--he proceeds to say wait a fucking minute--I am waiting for a parking space. I hate that language and I felt even more embarassed knowing that he was talking to me. I feel --I am not going to let anyone speak that way to me--tell him that and he doesn't even know what he said--he is just as tired as I am and on this wild goose chase because I forgot my wallet. So now I am sitting in pizza hut with money but trying not to cry. It is not working. I feel like a spectacle but I can't leave I don't have my food yet. And I really just needed to have a good cry and release all this poison inside and then I would feel better. But I have to hold it in--I am in public. get through dinner--pay -- and leave to go to Christmas Tree shops to browse hoping that will calm my mind. Want to use the bathroom--of course they are cleaning it-- decide to head home. Was asked to print out an application and instructions for John's friend from the motor vehicle web site--guess what--it is 95 pages. I start to print and of course the paper runs out. I get more and hit resume or so I thought-- I really hit the off button so the printing job was lost. Had to start over again. And that is my sad story for the night. I wish I could say it made me feel better to get it out but it only made me feel like this is all such trivial crap that doesn't mean diddily squat and I pray that God will help me release this and to dwell on whatsoever things are perfect, whatsoever things are good... tomorrow is my 30th wedding anniversary--does it sound like I am having fun?

Happy happy joy joy

that's it for now folks.

Picked up the new car Thursday evening but got sick during the night and I am still not back to normal so I really haven't driven it much. The new car smell was making feel worse.

Found out my mom has the flu. She started coming down with it on tuesday and went to the doctor on Friday. She had a flu shot so her case is not as bad as it could have been but she is still pretty much under the weather.

Going to bed--hope when I wake up I am feeling better.

New Car

I bought a car--I didn't set out to buy a car today I was just looking to get ideas. It was raining and I really wasn't expecting to actually buy a car. As a matter of fact this is a difficult week to make time to go and pick up a car lots going on this week. Tomorrow night I am meeting with someone form the Vineyard sort of a spiritual adviser. this is a rescheduled meeting the first I had to cancel-that was about 6 weeks ago. Tuesday I have a dentist appointment, Wednesday is the Alpha class & chiro, thursday I have a hair appointment so far that leaves Friday. Saturday I am going down to Middletown to visit with family. The following weekend is the Alpha retreat weekend. All of the above is God willing of course. He can change any plan at any time but that is the anticipated schedule. Kind of nice to be busy.

John put in my new kitchen sink today. It turned out to be a two day project and we still have a leak which will require a new part which will be picked up tomorrow. It is really nice. So shiny and White and clean. the other was very stained.

That's it for now.

Have been having an awesome time with God. Alpha course meetings are very much looked forward to and I am seeking more of the Spirit on the retreat weekend. I feel that I am open for whatever God wishes to supply in that area.

Hubby is sick but has finally gone to the doctor and gotten some medicine. tomorrow is Good Friday and I hope to attend a service downtown on my lunch break and then my church is having a service at 5:30. Then it is the weekend already

Work is good--they are interviewing to fill the void that will be created when Lucy goes on maternity leave. No definites as to if she is coming back--this is her third and daycare is quuite expensive so I am not sure what her plans are.

Saw Ladder 49 and the Terminal theother night. Rented both from Wegman's. Ladder 49 was not really that good compared to other movies I have seen regarding a firefighter's life--it did portray the drinking that goes on and is considered normal. On the other hand The Terminal was pretty good. Been reading the Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel.

Snowed last night but most of it melted today. Lots of mud.

Hey Jen last time this year Youth Convention was in full swing. Are you missing it???

I am sooooooo blest?blessed?!

Rough day today. Physically I was not at my best--can't quite put my finger on what is wrong but something was. Thought wise--I was having a difficult day. Negative thoughts about my co worker were going full force. Not that there aren't reasons for them but I really was feeling closed in by them today. I did remember to talk to God through out the day asking him to help me get through and not say anything that would shed a bad light on Him. Thanking God that He heard and helped. I got though the day and ended up the day at the Alpha class at church. We ended the night by going around the room and praying--short prayers--but it was good. A quieting restful spirit to drive home with.

picked up my new glasses the other day at Walmart. These were to be my computer/reading glasses. My regular glasses are progressive lenses so that they cover three different levels, close far and in between. But to see properly with them you have to look directly at an object--not to the side so it can be frustrating at times so I have gotten used to wearing my other glasses when i work on the computer. Thought this new pair would be an extra pair so I didn't have to carry them back and forth. The prescription is different though--I can read well with them but the computer is a bit blurry and forget looking at a distance. Trying to get used to them. As i am just rambling right now I think I will close and get ready for bed.

I have been spending a lot of my free time watching past episodes of the show "24". I believe I have 2 seasons to catch up on and I must admit that I have become sort of compulsive about watching--there are four episodes to a DVD for a total of about three hours of viewing time. I rented another one for tonight . It is sort of like reading a book for me. I get lost in the book or show--it is a way of relaxing.

Tomorrow my husband leaves for Las Vegas. It is very exciting to me and for him that he has this opportunity to go and see the Nascar races. He hasn't really had a vacation for a long time. (unless we count the times in rehab--but that was not really vacation--it is a lot of mental work--but I was referring to time off from your place of employment.) I remember that I resented the fact that he got to go away and I had to stay in real life and continue with finding ways to get the bills paid and take care of the house and kids. I thought there was something wrong withthis picture--thought I could use the time away and he should have to stay home and face reality--without alcohol to help ease the way. Sorry just some of my resentment coming out--it really is much better than it was years ago. Today I can look at how I have changed and how I react differently to many situations. I used to have a bumper sticker that said "I am a miracle" and that is really true. God changed me a little bit at a time and He is not finished with me yet. Someday I will start to put it down how he took my broken life and made something special out of it.

Well I've got to get started on "24" ..... till next time

Review

When I stop and think back over all that has happened in the last 15 years it seems unreal. Things were so difficult at times and yet we made it through. God has been very faithful in getting me through each situation that comes up. And just like the Israelites -after being rescued from Egypt--I often forget just what the Lord has done for me. I was a stay at home mom of two who was suddenly faced with supporting herself and her children without many marketable job skills. Iwas faced with applying for government assistance finding work and trying to keep my mental and emotional sanity. God provided friends through a 12 step program to help me get by. They walked with me through each obstacle as it came up. I was not alone even though at times I felt like I was. Sometimes I just didn't recognize the help that God was sending me. You see, God knew from day one what was going to be needed to develop and nurture His child. He saw me when I was born, he saw the situation I was born into, He was with me as I grew up and He knew there was a lot of work that needed to be done to get me to where He wanted me. Wow--He is awesome. Thank you God for helping me to see things through the right lens. I have a choice--He gives me that--every day I have a choice to make and thank God that He doesn't give up on me. I know I must try His patience many times, I must hurt Him with my lack of trust and respect for who He is.

Lord, help me each day to become more and more of who you want me to be.
Thank you for opening my eyes to who you are.

saturday

Saturday night and for the most part caught up with things. Still have painting to do but ..maybe tomorrow.

My focus has been entirely to much on myself--need to reach out to others and help to meet their needs.

So much cancer--all around. Need to make appointment to get my annual checkup and I believe I am due for a colonoscopy.

Snowing outside.

The Alpha class has been interesting--mainly because of the new people I have met. the lessons themselves so far are nothing new. Others have commented on this too. My group is made up of all women; they all have made a committment to Jesus so althoug we are all in different areas of our walk with God we all agree that there is a God.

Right now my dog is guarding my ironing board..she is a very strange dog. If I try to put it away she will attack it. Have to wait till she is outside before I move it.

I rented the next group of "24" or so I thought. When I went to watch it I had already seen these episodes. Also Rented Open Water. Not a very easy going movie--kept waiting for them to get rescued and then it just ends. Wouldn't recommend it.

Relatives

Just got back from a weekend of visiting relatives

Had a wedding to go to Sunday and found out Saturday that my uncle had passed away so we went to a wake Sunday also. Both were down on Long Island. My mom's brother Frank who was suffering from advanced alzheimer's disease died and was being waked in New Hyde Park. I got to see some of my cousins that I hadn't seen in a very long time. They were the ones that we used to get together with once a year at Christmas time. It was good to catch up with them.

My nephew Michael was married Sunday evening. He is two years younger than my son which makes him 23. It was a beautiful wedding, everything was done to the letter--really nice place. fancy food-the whole nine yards. Also got to see people that I hadn't seen in at least 20-25 years. It was a good time. The only negative and this is becoming a very big negative for me--was the cigarette smoke. I hate it. Can't stand being around it and at the wedding most of the people I knew smoked. This includes my sister-in-law and her husband who graciously let us stay at their house. But I can't take the smoke. Will not do that again. I am going to really start petitioning God to help John quit. It is a big dividing point between us. He has been smoking more since we got the house and I am liking it less and less. Don't want to be around him cause I can't take the smell. In the past I've asked to be able accept the smoke but I don't want to do that anymore.

On another front John is going to Las Vegas on March 9 to the 14th. He has a friend who has a room and tickets to the Nascar races and I am glad that he has the opportunity to do something special. I booked the flights tonight on line.

Saw my mom today on our way back home from Long Island. Went to lunch together. She took another fall today. this seems to be happening more often. she cut her hand and arm .

Am trying to get our taxes done and Jen's too. Hopefully this weekend I can get them completed and mailed out. Jen should also be getting the car registered in her name and her license in Ohio. Things are moving forward.

Don't know if I mentioned that my son came in last weekend. It was a good visit. He even took my Christmas (yes Christmas) tree down. Living room looks much better now.

Time for bed (in my own comfortable bed).

Night

Another card

Another special card I need to share:

Thank you, Lord, for my beautiful mother--for the love she always gives me and her friendship that is never-failing, for her kind eyes that see the best in me and her gentle wisdom that carries me through, for her prayers that lift me up and the dreams she holds in her heart for me, for the happy memories we've made together and all the hugs and smiles we've yet to share--I am forever grateful.

I also look forward to the hugs and fulfillment of dreams that are to come.

God Bless

card

wanted to share card I received form my husband:

"...This is my beloved, and this is my friend... Song of Solomon 5:16

When I tell you "I love you" it means so much more than three little words. It means that your happiness is so important to me... that I desire many blessings in life for you.

When I tell you "I love you" it means that I always want to be there for you...that no matter what happens in our lives, we will come through it together.

When I tell you "I love you" it means that I would rather be with you than anyone else in the world. It means that you're not only my partner in life, but also my very best friend.

Happy Birthday

Over the years as I have gone through different trials God has used the words in different cards I have received to lift me up and help me to focus on His plan for my life even when circumstances looked far different than what the words were saying. faith--the belief in something that can not be proven. Trust in what you believe that God has for you.

Thank you Father for loving me and watching over me

birthday

Had a great birthday--actually an extended weekend birthday. My dishwasher and counter top were installed on Friday by my very talented husband. My son came up to visit Friday night. we went to the movies Saturday to see MillionDollar baby. I don't recommend it unless you like boxing (which I don't) and you are in a downer frame of mind. it does not have an uplifting ending. Although I like Clint Eastwood I find his movies to be very slow going.

went to church Sunday am and it was a good time of worship for me. After service came home and we all went to the casino where I proceeded to lose my money on the nickel slot machine. Good thing I don't do this very often--once every five or six years. Maybe less now as I found this casino to be filled with smoke and I really don't like smoke. Put my clothes in the wash when I got home to get rid of the smell.

after the casino we went out to eat at Fresno's. Picked thisplace because I realy wanted chicken soup and potato skins. guess what?? No chicken soup and they don't serve potato skins any more. oh well dessert was delicious.

Came home to watch Shall We Dance (the gift my son gave me). Enjoyed it very much. Would like to learn how to dance. A new goal.

Time for bed

Oz says

Spiritual lust makes me demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God who gives the answer...Whenever the insistence is on the point that God answers prayer, we are off the track. The meaning of prayer is that we get hold of God, not of the answer.


Interesting

Ask God to see his face. Ask to feel his loving arms around you. Stop shaking your fist and demanding answers. The answers will come when you stand in his presence, not when you demand his attention.

cars & taxes

I will be glad when our taxes are done and we have completed the registration transfer on the Nissan. Too confusing for me. checking back and forth between the requirments for both states. At least I have ordered the new title. I hope Jen realizes that she has to take a written driving test for Ohio to be sure she knows their rules and regulations.

I am glad that Dan is coming to visit this weekend. Wish the house renovations were further along but nothing I can do at this point in time.

Going to get to bed earlier tonight. Went bowling with small group --on a work night--not something I usually do but it was fun.

Till next time

Pushing Forward

Was feeling pretty lousy most of the day. About 3pm whatever I have seemed to break a bit. I still have congestion and aches & pains but the post nasal drip has let up.

Went to worship night at church for a bit but left early as I was not feeling up to it. Came home and proceeded to do my federal return on line--what a pain--but it is done. Just have to do state.


Was supposed to met with a "mentor" from church tomorrow for brunch but I cancelled as I don't feel up to it. Maybe I am avoiding the meeting--guess I kinda am but I really didn't want to meet tomorrow. the last three weekends have been spent either picking up or bringing back my mom with the one in between not a normal weekend as my mom was here and we had a snowstorm. Am looking forward to a weekend off--want to do some painting and maybe go bowling or to a movie.

Thought for the day: when a man is at his wits' end it is not a cowardly thing to pray, it is the only way he can get in touch with Reality. (O. Chambers)

Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry. Psalm 39:12

Lemons or lemonade?

I have a miserable cold--my nose keeps running and I keep coughing. I look forward to tomorrow when I will hopefully be to the next stage of this cold and on my way to getting better. Friday evening my church is having a praise time. Next Tuesday evening my small group is going bowling together and Wednesday night which is our normal night to meet there is going to be an Ash Wednesday service at church

Like art, like music, like so many other disciplines, prayer can only be appreciated when you actually spend time in it. Spending time with the Master will elevate your thinking. The more you pray, the more will be revealed. You will appreciate not only the greatness of prayer, but the greatness of God. (Joni Eareckson Tada)

trust

We can learn to trust God. When we do, we discover that God can be trusted. It all begins with surrender. --HVL

Trust Him when dark doubts assail you,
Trust Him when your strength is small;
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all. --Bennett
Belief in God's Word plus surrender to god's will equals trust in God's goodness. Easy to say--often hard to do. But I again come back to the choice we all have--we decide what to focus on--what to read--what to watch.

Whenever we touch His almighty arm, some of his omnipotence streams in upon us, into our souls and into our bodies. And not only that, but, through us, it streams out to others. (O. Hallesby)

May all who read this be blessed today. Amen

Prayer

Praying unlocks the doors of heaven and releases the power of God, God's answers are always right and good and best. Whether prayer changes our situation or not, one thing is certain: Prayer will change us! (Billy Graham)

Determining to pray on a regular basis. Not only prayer that is asking God for things but prayer that is talking with God--getting intimate with Him--resting in His presence.

Our minds are powerful--we choose what we will think about--sometimes with more difficulty than others but ultimately the choice is ours. I choose to nourish my mind with an overflowing of God's word .

Blessings to all

Been awhile

Well it has been awhile since I've had the chance to write. My mom went home this past weekend and I now have access to my computer --it is in the room she was staying in while here.

Jen was in to visit and it was good to have her here. Unfortuneately for her I was a bit frazzled by the time she got here after having my mom here for 10 days. All in all visiting with the extended family was good. i am very grateful that my son has gone to the dentist and is getting his teeth and gums taken care of. I am grateful that my husband made it through the last two weeks without going crazy. I am not the easiest person to share space with especially if I am taken out of my routine--I need to take time to meditate on God's word each day and I did not do this for most of the family visit. It definitely shows in my attitude and my reactions.

Time to look ahead and not back. You can not change the past but you can direct your future by concentrating on the present.

I look forward to my small group on Wednesday.

Mark & Amy are in my thoughts alot. I pray for a speedy recovery, peaceful minds and for physical pain to cease. God is able to do the impossible. We are to keep our eyes on Him at all times and not on the situation that we are in. think of Daniel in the Lions den, the three boys in the furnace, Moses and the Israelites when they got to the Red Sea, Noah when he was building the ark and it hadn't rained ever before, Job as he lost everything that was dear to him, Joseph as he spent time in prison and as a slave , Leah as she longed for the love of her husband--God is able.

God is in control

Very distressing news today. I have been concerned about Mark's back pain and have even talked with Jen about course of treatment when he had the colon cancer. I was just uneasy. Usually I over react and thought this to be the case again as I read comments from others about the problems they have been having with their back's and apparently this is a common problem. Then I got the call from Jen and it really disturbed me. I know God is in control and his plans for us are to give us a future and a hope. Sometimes it is very hard to accept what happens on earth. I need to keep a positive thought cycle. Prayer and fasting are definitely in order.

On the home front my mom is having some difficulty remembering this week. I guess the change of households can throw you off. She has been losing her medicine which is given toher in a daily container marked at what time she is to take it. I am thankful that people are praying for me so that I can keep my cool for the time she is here. Once again it is not just her but the fact that I really like to be alone quite a bit and with her staying here that is not possible. It helps to know that this is time limited.

Am looking forward to Jen's visit. Get to have time off from work and also to visit Middletown.

Am very grateful that my son has gone to the dentist. He was in danger of losing his teeth and he wouldn't believe me. I worked for a dentist for 9 years I know what happens. At any rate thank God he finally went and is having the problem taken care of. And thank God he has coverage for it.

Tune in later.

Back

Back from my weekend rendevous. Met with Vicci Saturday for lunch and as usual it was a good experience. We are such different people but God has used us to help each other through numerous situations. thank you God.

My mom's house had a flood when i arrived--the sewer had backed up and the carpet was pretty wet. Thankfully the plumber was able to come that night and and dig up the lawn and snake the line out. I need a working bathroom so thank goodness this was taken care of. Also got to watch the first two hours of 24 as my sister had taped it.

Went to Trinity Sunday am. Was nice to see everyone but as I have always found out you can't go back intime. Things change. Which is good but also sad. I am also in this place where I haven't totally attached to my new church and I no longer belong at my old church so I feel lost in the middle. But this will pass. It was good to get back home. Even if I took a detour through Binghamton. (I got lost looking for a place to eat) Oh well--it was an adventure.

Plan to sleep tomorrow. And check out home depot and get groceries--the cupboards are bare.

encouragement

Forgot I wanted to share this:

Rest in the knowledge that God will shine a lamp showing us the next step to take; rest in the knowledge that His timing is always maddeningly perfect; rest in the knowlede that our frettings and worryings can't make anything right; rest in the knowledge that He is for us when the whole world seems to be against us; rest in the knowledge that we don't have to "be good" to make Him love us; rest in the knowledge that nothing we can do will chase His love away; rest in the knowledge that we'll blow it everytime we try to take things into our own hands (so why try anyway?--yet we do); rest in the knowledge that the God of the universe longs to see us face to face in a place that outstrips our wildest imaginings.

Slacking

Well I've been slacking off for the last few days. At least as far as the blogging goes.

But on another front I have been taking care of myself. I made an appointment to get my hair done even though it wasn't the scheduled time--I just felt like a needed a lift. And I finally made my massage appointment and went tonight. It was nice. And i made another appointment to go back.

Work has been much better for almost the last week. Prayer makes a lot of difference.

Will be picking my mom up this weekend to come up and stay by me for about 2 weeks. I believe it will go alright. POsitive thinking is very important.

scruffy seems to having difficulty with her rear leg. Can't seem to jump up and was having problems going down the stairs to get outside. Hopefully it is temporary. I don't relish the thought of being told I need to take her to a rhumatologist--which is probably what the vet would suggest.

Well that's it for now

Till next time.

Thank you Lord

I had a good day today. The pressure was almost none existent and I was able to wrok at a good pace and enjoy what I was doing. I got to use the computer to search for info and pretty much have that down now. I feel much better--more confident. It's amazing how much your feelings can change from one day to the next. I definitely know that spending extra time with God made a difference in me last night and today.

I didn't stay late at work today and I took my lunch hour. (althoug I did use most of it to do some deliveries for work. ) The weather was not too nice today==some snow but more rain and freezing rain. Lots of puddles everywhere.

I spoke with Brenda from my old church online tonight and enjoyed that. Hoping to see her in a few weeks when Jen comes in.

Time to get to bed and make up for the sleep I lost last night by going to bed so late.

A Good Day

Today was another long day ( lots of work) and I got kind of overwhelmed. I feel safest when my environment is orderly and where I work will probably never be as orderly as I would like. It is always busy, which I like, but I do not like the stress I put myself under in trying to get ahead on the workload. The reality is that I need to take each day as it comes and do my work to the best of my ability and let it go at that. Much easier said than done.... Tonight at small group I was able to share a little bit of stress and it helped. I still have this horrible headache and my face is breaking out so I know that there is a lot that I need to process and deal with. My body usually expresses itself when I try to ignore things that are bothering me or building up. I chose to pray about this earnestly keep asking God to remove these feelings of inadequacy which is underneath much of this.

Positive thinking, laughter and more laughter. It really is good medicine.

We may have some snow on the ground in the morning....

Good night sweet world--tomorrow comes quickly and I want to get some sleep.

Long Day

Today was a long work day. Didn't take lunch and stayed till 6:30 trying to get ahead. In addition to that I brought work home and spent another two hours putting some things in order.

My boss wants to show me how to use the computer to help me be more efficient. I can't get him to understand that it takes me longer to input info than to keep notes on what I need to do. I know how my brain works and when it comes to computers and being put on the spot I go brain dead. It is kind of like I don't have enough "memory" to switch from one thing to the next. However I will try to learn what he shows me and hope for the best.

Time to get to bed. Hope Debby is feeling better soon. I am sorry that Mikey has to spend some time in jail but the rehab part will be beneficial for him and his family. Besides, during this time you can relax a bit and know where he is and that he is safe. The hard part comes when they come home into the real world and have to make it in a day to day environment. I always tried to make the most of the time that my husband was in treatment including taking part in any family programs that were available. Al anon also helped me a lot to understand the dynamics of what was going on. It gave me valuable tools to learn to live with this disease.

Going to bed

Good Start

Well I am off to a good start. With blogging I mean. I am making an effort to write everyday. Today was the first day back at work after the holidays and I enjoyed going back. I could have used a bit more sleep this morning as I have gotten used to sleeping a little later but once I was up the day turned out nice. Work is the one thing I have now that is a constant. I am still not on track with the church I am attending--haven't plugged in--even though I am part of a small group. we had a two week break and that is not good for me. It is like starting all over again. Back to work. I really enjoy going there every day. It makes my life seem useful. I like having a routine--a set schedule. I am a very routine oriented person. Changes throw me off.

Weather here has been unusually mild. No snow to speak of. Last year at this time we had had a few major storms. This year we are almost looking forward to one.

Made some progress yesterday with setting up my file cabinet. Getting organized again. Looking forward to having Jen come in to visit.

John started to paint the hallway this weekend. It is a project and I am glad that I don't have to do it. It will look much nicer once it is finished. Next I plan to work on the bathroom which need to be wallpapered and then the kitchen. In the kitchen I plan to change the hinges on the cabinest to match the knobs (the old ones are covered with paint). Then I will repaint the cabinets, we plan to install a dishwasher and maybe add something to liven up the walls a bit. Al in all things are coming along nicely.

I am trying to stick to losing so weight. Right now I am fighting the temptation to eat a cream donut that I bought yesterday. Think I'll make a cup of tea and do some reading.

Till next time...

Consistency

Well I need to try and write each day so I will start a new habit.

There are still some kinks that need to be worked out with this site. I need to find out how to get to this part on start up.

Today was a good day. Went to church, forgot my pocketbook and couldn't remember if I had taken it with me or not. Had to call home to check. We saw a sneak preview of the new drama that they are going to put on next weekend. I hope to see it. It is based on an Agatha Christie novel. Then the pastor didn't preach but the youth pastor did. This was my first time hearing him and it was good. Got some insight inti who he is and where he is from. He used a Max Lucado children's book as the basis for his sermon.

to be continued...

A New Year

Well I am off to a good start. I have created a new blog all on my own. This happened only because I wanted to comment on someone else's blog that did not allow annon. responses.

Let's hope I can access this once easier than the other one and therefore will make more entries.

I started the new year of by sleeping the whole day. I got up at 12:30 and ate brunch, then went back to bed till 7PM. Most unusual for me.

Think I will have dinner now

Till next time...